Courtney's Revenge

Sometimes I think I'm so smart that it actually makes me stupid. Seriously! For months on end I have been going to these Weight Loss Support Group classes and I've learned all about the warnings. "Follow your surgeon's instructions CAREFULLY", "take ALL your vitamins DAILY", "Continue the LIQUID ONLY diet for 4-6 weeks POST OP", just to name a few. So far, I've been quite excited that the food in the house (what little bit there's left LOL), has made NO IMPACT on my brain...until YESTERDAY. Ugh. I thought we ("we" bariatric patients) weren't supposed to ever feel hungry for at least 2-3 years! Here I was on the 4th damn day and I WAS STARVING! True enough, I did a LOT yesterday. First, I went to my support group, then took Roman to the mall to trade a game at GameStop and finally went to Wal-Mart where I got the guys an assortment of not so healthy but totally YUMMY foods which are easy for either them to make or even myself if I'm feeling so inclined. By the time I got home I was totally wiped out. As I put away all that food, my "old" fat girl brain totally kicked into overdrive. I was so hungry and haven't eaten food for weeks. I just wanted one little bite. Well, Roman wanted a Totino's cheese pizza which I gratefully made for him. Secretly I was hoping I'd gag at the smell like I did Anthony's Papa John's pizza the other night...NO SUCH LUCK! It's fragrance was so inviting, I went and took a TEENY TINY bit of cheese and put it in my mouth. Where was the harm in that?! It's small, soft and oh sooooo delicious. It was flashback into my former life where food was my friend. Then reality bitch slapped me in the face. HARD. Next thing I know, my pouch is screaming at me, my stomach muscles are cramping and overall, the pain is so intense I just want to faint. I quickly racked back some water because Rule #1 is NEVER DRINK WHILE YOU EAT; it flushes the food right out of your pouch! Soooo, what better way to get rid of that miniscule piece of cheese? WRONG. I was meant to be taught a lesson on obedience. "I WILL NOT EAT FOOD. I WILL NOT EAT FOOD. I WILL NOT EAT FOOD." My body starts to go back to normal some time later, which actually seemed to be an eternity, and I head to the fridge for my protein shake. To my dismay, I had just a small swallow left. As any normal person would, I yanked out my gallon of skim milk and proceeded to whip up another round of vanilla protein drink. Being that I was so hungry/parched, I stepped out of character for a nanosecond and took a swig outta the jug! (Cringe, I know) THE ENTIRE NEW GALLON OF MILK IS SOUR AND I'M DRY HEAVING INTO THE SINK, CRAMPING MY STOMACH MUSCLES AND WONDERING WHAT THE HELL!?! The scarier issue is this: we don't have a car at the moment and my neighbors only drink whole milk...I am forever destined to skim. My surgeon says I must be drinking at least ONE OUNCE of protein PER HOUR during this transitional phase. At first it wasn't so bad, I had just tortured my body so much in a short time, I was not craving the protein drink. However, as the evening progressed and it became more and more evident I was going to have to go without milk until MID MORNING, I began to have cravings. They quickly raged out of control with such veracity that I turned to the bottle of protein powder my neighbor gave me yesterday...the label read "mix with water" HAAAAAAALLELUJAH! In a flash I had made up a batch of this strawberry protein powder that smelled like a fresh-out-the-toaster-PopTart! Mmmmmm, it tasted sooooo good. Roman tried it and said it reminded him of FANTA. "Did you hear me Mom, it tastes just like FANTA!" ...Then it happened, AGAIN. I'm violently vomiting, stomach cramping and back to wanting to die ALL OVER AGAIN. What a shitty day. And this was only Day 4 of the rest of MY LIFE. It turns out, I had forgotten Rule #5, "BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU PUT INTO YOUR MOUTH; READ ALL INGREDIENTS". I had assumed this stuff was OK...nevermind it had almost 40g of SUGAR and 37g CARBS! What I was experiencing - for sure - was the dreaded "Dumping Syndrome". It's not a pretty thing. This happens to you post op when you eat something too high in fat or sugar. I laid down for a while trying to relax, but my body was so exhausted from the HELL I had put it through. Why in the world would I do this? Am I really soooo weak that I couldn't handle my own bullshit? I just felt really angry with myself for making such mistakes...but, now I know. And I won't do that again. On a happier note: I lost 2lbs since yesterday! LoL Starvation REALLY DOES WORK! Just kidding, NEVER EVER STARVE YOURSELF!! I just have to remember, today is a new day. It's another chance for me to get things RIGHT. I can't dwell on my mistakes from yesterday because I can't change them. BUT I can go forward and fly right from this moment on. I'm still feeling sore this morning, duh, but what can I say? I did it to my damn self. Hope y'all have a great day! Till next time...

A New Life...FULL STEAM AHEAD!

I am so blessed. Honestly. I took a big, big gamble by leaving my life behind in hopes of one day getting this life saving surgery. It's been a long, difficult road...AND I MADE IT! This entire way I have continued to fight for this. All those gallons of tears and sweat was worth it. Tuesday, July 10, 2012 was my surgery date! I was under the impression (not sure where I got it from!) that the surgery was only going to take 30-45 minutes. Um, I was wrong LOL. It took about 2 hours! :) I currently have 6 incisions on my stomach & navel. It may not look like much on the outside...but the inside...it's all different! Surprisingly, I'm feeling a lot better this morning. Naturally, I'm sore. However, it's not PAIN, just soreness. I've been keeping busy trying to get on my new drinking schedule. Every hour I am supposed to try and consume 1 oz of protein shake and 4 oz of water! Being that my new egg sized pouch only holds 3 oz ... it's been a challenge but I'm getting the swing of things! The outpouring of love and encouragement I got on FB from all my friends was just such a sweet, sweet blessing. It REALLY helped me. There were moments where I was in so much pain I began feeling scared and thinking "OH MY GOODNESS WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY BODY!?!?!" ---- I just gave myself a second chance at life, that's what I've done! I know I say this frequently but: ANTHONY IS AMAZING. I wouldn't have been able to make it through all this without him. For as eloquent as I am, I can't seem to find the words to fully express my gratitude, appreciation and just LOVE for him. He went so far above & beyond for me; not just this week...he ALWAYS does. But, speaking of this week, he was so sweet to me. He held my hand while I walked around the hospital floor, he kept telling me how beautiful I was, and rubbed my back while trying to encourage me to breathe in & out when the pain would have me in tears. God blessed me with such an amazing man. Thank you Anthony. I love you. OK well, it's time for me to get up and move around...my muscles are telling me so! I will write more later because I did have more to say LOL Have a great day! :)

To Gastric Or Not to Gastric, THAT is the Question...

I have so many emotions flowing through my body right now I'm not even sure where to begin. Tomorrow I am having the Gastric Bypass Weight Loss Surgery. This has been my dream since 2007 and honestly, I can't believe it's ACTUALLY happening. Anthony and I are being picked up tonight by transport at 10P. We'll be arriving at Trinity Hospital in Augusta by 6A. I'm the first surgery of the day tomorrow at 7:30A and according to the surgeon will be done in 30-45 minutes. I am definitely staying ONE night in the hospital but I may have to stay TWO nights; I just don't know yet.

This is what my procedure looks like. My surgeon, Dr. Darren Glass of Trinity Bariatrics in Augusta, GA will make a small "pouch" out of the top of my stomach and then reconnect my intestines as shown in the picture. This has not been a decision I've made lightly. THERE IS NOTHING "EASY" ABOUT THIS PROCESS!! Can you imagine being 26 and being told you won't make it past 28? That is where I was just 3 years ago. My doctors in Orlando FAILED to diagnose me with Type 2 Diabetes. From my initial tests here once I moved to Savannah, GA it proved I had been severely diabetic for many, many years. In fact, they believe I developed Gestational Diabetes at 19 while I was pregnant with my son which only raged out of control. The consequence to that was more than DOUBLING IN SIZE. When I arrived here, I was almost 600lbs. I'm embarrassed to admit that, but it's true. Many of you know I had a wonderful job, new car, big & beautiful 5 bedroom/4 bathroom home in Orlando. But, I had gotten too ill to continue working as a caregiver which I'd done for 10 years. It was time for me to care for MYSELF. So I gave up my ENTIRE LIFE to chase this dream of having bariatric surgery in order to SAVE MY LIFE and in turn, save my SON'S life; I'm all he has. Fast forward to now: I currently weigh 371lbs. I take a gaggle of pills everyday to help control the many repercussions of uncontrolled diabetes. By the grace of God I'm hoping to be able to come off most, if not all, of these horrid medicines and insulin injections I subject myself to on a daily basis. Yes, there are risks with this surgery. But I won't live much longer if I don't do it. I'm betting on LIFE & GOD to help me successfully come out with a VICTORY. This is my motivation:

Here I am with my HANDSOME SON, Roman, about a month ago. I woke up that morning and got dressed. Looking in the mirror I thought I looked so good....until our local news anchor Kim Gusby snapped this pic of me. When I saw it I wanted to cry. I deeply appreciate how Roman loves me so purely and unconditionally...but I need to lose weight for him and for me. I don't want him being picked on and made fun of for having a fat mother. It's not fair to him. He doesn't deserve that. Roman deserves so much more. On the bright side, I will be turning 30 years old in about 6 months. My goal has always been to have turned my body around by that deadline. Thank God I'm well on my way. My 20's have been filled with hurt and insecurities. But my 30's will be filled with fun, hope and happiness. I honestly can't wait. Strap on your boots because we're gonna be in for one hell of a ride! I hope you enjoy watching me as I transform myself.

The Ugly Struggle

There are people who were blessed with this inate ability to breeze through life without any problems trying to figure out who they are, what they want to be or just how they feel about themselves. 

I understand the Nature Vs. Nurture theory...yet I'm not sure which side I fall on. Day after day, week after week and year after year, I have always, always, ALWAYS woken up each day so insecure about the way I look, how different I am, my life is, from everyone else around me. No matter how much I mature, or how many candles build on my birthday cakes, I still can't seem to shake it. 

I try. I really do. But I just can't see what you see. I was raised to believe that big is NOT beautiful. And that fat was the root of all evil. Not to mention that no matter what my weight, good to not, I was always told I had so much farther to go to look good. It's no wonder I'm so self-conscious and extremely insecure. Yet, I make little steps in the right direction. 

Yes, dieting and exercising is helping a small amount. My therapist is helping too. (Yes, I see a Psychologist! and I love her!) There are plenty of days where I look in the mirror and I'm so absolutely disgusted with my body I wanna cry. Then - like most women- I begin to wonder what in the hell is WRONG with Anthony?! How could be POSSIBLY be attracted to THIS in any way, shape or form. Yet, I always seem to remember that he loves me for the wonderful person I am. And to him, I will always be beautiful, no matter what size. 

Unconditional love is something I'm not too familiar with. Anthony is teaching me, and so far, I'm really enjoying it. Yet, I'm a creature of habit. So I won't be completely comfortable anytime soon. I feel as if there is always going to be this part of my brain that won't let me believe that he is completely sincere every time he says this is his family and he is never, ever, EVER going to leave us.

On the other hand, I'm so excited to get the Gastric Bypass this summer; it helps me fuel that nasty side of my brain in which I feel that once I'm a "normal" size, he will definitely want to stay because I'm going to look so much better. I understand that isn't a good way to look at it. But again, most of you weren't raised the way I was.  

All I can see for my future is GREAT THINGS. I want to become a Coach for Team Beachbody! Then I want to become a certified instructor for them as well. Once this weight comes off...my struggle won't be over. But at least it's going to make me feel a whole hell of a lot more confident that I can conquer it. This weight didn't show up overnight, so believe me, I damn sure don't expect it to fall off overnight either! 

I just want anyone who reads this to know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Most days I feel as if no one can understand what I'm going through or what in the hell this life is like. So please, if you are in the same boat....YOU CAN DO THIS! I believe in YOU....even if we've never met! I know you can do this!

Had to get that off my chest! Till next time...

Happy Happy Happy!

It's been another long amount of time since I last wrote. Ugh. I don't know why I can't seem to remember to blog! LoL Anyway so much as taken place but I'm going to just talk about the most awesome of all. 

I have begun to take the steps to have the Gastric Bypass done. I have come a long way already but now I am at the point to where I have to fulfill the insurance requirements which are taking 6 weight loss support group classes. The only down side to that is the classes are only once a month. I've already taken the class in December so my projected time to get the surgery done is somewhere around May or June. I'm so so happy but I'm also a bit scared. People have said I'm taking "the easy" way out to lose weight. But honey, let me tell YOU! It is so NOT easy. There is NOTHING easy about this choice. For instance, two week prior to the surgery I will have to be on a liquid only diet as well as 4 weeks after. Does that sound easy to you? Or how about saying goodbye to lots of certain foods for the rest of your life? Or what if you're not a regular vitamin taker (which thankfully I am) and now vitamins are VITAL to your existence!

Those are just a few of the things off the top of my head. There is so so so sooooo much that goes into making a decision like this. It's not just a one day fix all. It's an entire lifestyle change. 

I'm excited and I'm ready. 

I started working out with Team BeachBody a few months ago, was doing pretty well. Then I got sick and fell off the horse. But, I finally got my big ass back up! I have to at least lose 20lbs by the time my surgery gets here, but really I'd like to see if I can lose more. Every bit helps. 

My friend and I are going to be doing a Transformation Diary together and I'm so excited! It's nice to have someone who is going through the same thing and will understand exactly how I'm feeling and what I'm dealing with. 

Roman is doing so well. He is such a blessing. He is healthy, smart, funny and such a cutie! Anthony and I have been living together for just about a year now! I can't believe it! It's gone by so fast. We don't fight either! I never knew it was possible to have a relationship in which you didn't fight with your partner! Anthony & I are so happy together. God really blessed me with him. It should be illegal to be THIS HAPPY. 

My goal is to keep up the blogging (FOR REAL!) as well as Vlogs! Anthony bought me an Android for Christmas and taught me how to do videos and post them to YouTube. So my diary of this transformation is about to be on & poppin! ;) 

*I wanna give a special SHOUT OUT to my Step-Son, Malik! Today is his 15th Birthday! He is such a wonderful person, I love him soooo much!*

Anyway, I hope each of you who reads this will have a fun time reading about my journey and maybe even become inspired yourself! 

Happy New Year! I hope it's full of blessings for everyone!

Self Discovery

It has been a while since I wrote. For that, I'm sorry. Not just to my readers, but I'm apologizing to myself. Life just has a way of changing with such veracity that it becomes harder and harder to keep the same routine. 

But isn't that what life is ultimately all about? We're supposed to continue rotating and changing because without it, we'd die. So maybe I'm not as sorry as I though. Maybe I should be incredibly happy that things have been turning around - for the BETTER - in such a way that I remain in a constant state of busy...or distraction. I guess my mood determines what way I wanna look at it. 

For starters, that guy I told you about when I last wrote in September 2010, we've been dating this entire time! His name is Anthony. Actually, we moved in together February 2, 2011. We have been really enthusiastic about the path our lives are taking since we decided to further intertwine them. I could bore you with all my lovey-dovey details, but I will spare you. Just know that for the FIRST time in my life, I can honestly admit I am experiencing a relationship that real, mature and involves true love. It's finally happened to me! Every year and every failed relationship that continued to pass chipped away at the hope I had left thinking that someone like me would be able to find someone who was created to share lives with. However, my persistence paid off and we are crazy in love. 


Anthony is the most well-rounded, together, positive person I know. In fact, he has inspired me to want to be a better person. With that unintended encouragement, I have begun to exercise and I even quit smoking on April 27, 2011. 

There is a lot about myself I either didn't know or just chose to block out. Not all of it is pleasant, unfortunately. Yet, with all new discoveries I make about myself, I continue to try to correct the ones that need improvement and feed into the qualities I'm proud of. 


Writing is not just a hobby, it helps me nurture my creative capabilities in several outlets. I have been writing a journal for about 5 years now and recently I took some time to start at the beginning and read my adventures over the years. Some of them made me proud and others made cringe. There have also been some times which brought tears to my eyes. However, the best part of all these memories I so effortlessly jotted down is MAYBE, just maybe, I can turn my experiences into a book and eventually help others. Even if ONE female on this planet reads my book and finds comfort or can relate...then my job is done. 


Many days I have slipped through life feeling as if I am a martian masquerading as a human. I can't help but wonder why in the hell have so many obstacles ruled my life? Well, I had an epiphany: there is NO WAY that I am the ONLY female who has had soooo many curveballs thrown her way. BUT...I might be the only one who has the courage to talk about it. 


OK, so that's what's been going on! Now that I have my laptop fixed, I will definitely be blogging more again :) 


Til next time...

A splash of this & a dash of that...

Just when you think you have it ALL figured out, life comes out with a curveball that you didn't even expect. But despite that, you always gotta aim high and keep trying. I've been through a lot lately (well, when HAVEN'T I?) and somehow I manage to find the inner strength to keep on living and learning.

 It's been a pretty big adjustment not having my sister here anymore. I guess I'm in denial because I keep her bed in my room, just the way she left it. (minus her pillow I gave to Roman cuz he missed her) However, I definitely have kept my promise to her. I continued to go out and socialize. I put on make-up everyday and try to keep my hair done LOL It's been good though. Those little things go a long way in making me feel good about everything in general. 

Y'all know this blog wouldn't not REALLY be mine if it didn't include something about a man LMAO! But yes, it's true. I must confess, right before Athena left she was able to help me & Mike squash everything. As I knew it would, it blew up in my face anyway. The best thing I got from Mike was this: His family. While he may be too young & immature to fully appreciate what I bring to the table, his family definitely sees what a great person I am. I love them. Especially his sister Kiyah. She has become my bestie. I don't know what I'd do without her! She is such a real, down-to-Earth-female she tried to warn me about her brother, but y'all know my stubborn ass just didn't listen. Once I finally did, she let me get over it and then she & her awesome husband planned a night out where they brought someone along who they thought would be a good match for me, and vice versa. To make a long story short, they didn't say anything to either of us about their undercover intentions and decided to let nature take it's course. It sure did. This man is wonderful. Plain and simple. Trust me, I know they ALL are in the beginning, but this guy is different. He is mature, funny, definitely sexy and makes me laugh. I can't say enough about how happy I am when I get around him =) I decided to jump the gun a little bit and see how Roman liked him, cuz you already know Roman is pretty good about weeding out the unfit...and he passed. Roman talks about him everyday, just like me. 

I found an apartment that I'm hoping to be able to move into next month. It's not far from Roman's school or where we live now. It's a gorgeous place for an amazing price. I am so optimistic about the near future. I just can't wait. I don't wanna say too much b/c I don't wanna jinx it. 

Anyway, that's really all I wanted to say. I know some of y'all been emailing me wanting an update, so here it is. Hope it was worth the wait!