The Ugly Struggle

There are people who were blessed with this inate ability to breeze through life without any problems trying to figure out who they are, what they want to be or just how they feel about themselves. 

I understand the Nature Vs. Nurture theory...yet I'm not sure which side I fall on. Day after day, week after week and year after year, I have always, always, ALWAYS woken up each day so insecure about the way I look, how different I am, my life is, from everyone else around me. No matter how much I mature, or how many candles build on my birthday cakes, I still can't seem to shake it. 

I try. I really do. But I just can't see what you see. I was raised to believe that big is NOT beautiful. And that fat was the root of all evil. Not to mention that no matter what my weight, good to not, I was always told I had so much farther to go to look good. It's no wonder I'm so self-conscious and extremely insecure. Yet, I make little steps in the right direction. 

Yes, dieting and exercising is helping a small amount. My therapist is helping too. (Yes, I see a Psychologist! and I love her!) There are plenty of days where I look in the mirror and I'm so absolutely disgusted with my body I wanna cry. Then - like most women- I begin to wonder what in the hell is WRONG with Anthony?! How could be POSSIBLY be attracted to THIS in any way, shape or form. Yet, I always seem to remember that he loves me for the wonderful person I am. And to him, I will always be beautiful, no matter what size. 

Unconditional love is something I'm not too familiar with. Anthony is teaching me, and so far, I'm really enjoying it. Yet, I'm a creature of habit. So I won't be completely comfortable anytime soon. I feel as if there is always going to be this part of my brain that won't let me believe that he is completely sincere every time he says this is his family and he is never, ever, EVER going to leave us.

On the other hand, I'm so excited to get the Gastric Bypass this summer; it helps me fuel that nasty side of my brain in which I feel that once I'm a "normal" size, he will definitely want to stay because I'm going to look so much better. I understand that isn't a good way to look at it. But again, most of you weren't raised the way I was.  

All I can see for my future is GREAT THINGS. I want to become a Coach for Team Beachbody! Then I want to become a certified instructor for them as well. Once this weight comes off...my struggle won't be over. But at least it's going to make me feel a whole hell of a lot more confident that I can conquer it. This weight didn't show up overnight, so believe me, I damn sure don't expect it to fall off overnight either! 

I just want anyone who reads this to know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Most days I feel as if no one can understand what I'm going through or what in the hell this life is like. So please, if you are in the same boat....YOU CAN DO THIS! I believe in YOU....even if we've never met! I know you can do this!

Had to get that off my chest! Till next time...

Happy Happy Happy!

It's been another long amount of time since I last wrote. Ugh. I don't know why I can't seem to remember to blog! LoL Anyway so much as taken place but I'm going to just talk about the most awesome of all. 

I have begun to take the steps to have the Gastric Bypass done. I have come a long way already but now I am at the point to where I have to fulfill the insurance requirements which are taking 6 weight loss support group classes. The only down side to that is the classes are only once a month. I've already taken the class in December so my projected time to get the surgery done is somewhere around May or June. I'm so so happy but I'm also a bit scared. People have said I'm taking "the easy" way out to lose weight. But honey, let me tell YOU! It is so NOT easy. There is NOTHING easy about this choice. For instance, two week prior to the surgery I will have to be on a liquid only diet as well as 4 weeks after. Does that sound easy to you? Or how about saying goodbye to lots of certain foods for the rest of your life? Or what if you're not a regular vitamin taker (which thankfully I am) and now vitamins are VITAL to your existence!

Those are just a few of the things off the top of my head. There is so so so sooooo much that goes into making a decision like this. It's not just a one day fix all. It's an entire lifestyle change. 

I'm excited and I'm ready. 

I started working out with Team BeachBody a few months ago, was doing pretty well. Then I got sick and fell off the horse. But, I finally got my big ass back up! I have to at least lose 20lbs by the time my surgery gets here, but really I'd like to see if I can lose more. Every bit helps. 

My friend and I are going to be doing a Transformation Diary together and I'm so excited! It's nice to have someone who is going through the same thing and will understand exactly how I'm feeling and what I'm dealing with. 

Roman is doing so well. He is such a blessing. He is healthy, smart, funny and such a cutie! Anthony and I have been living together for just about a year now! I can't believe it! It's gone by so fast. We don't fight either! I never knew it was possible to have a relationship in which you didn't fight with your partner! Anthony & I are so happy together. God really blessed me with him. It should be illegal to be THIS HAPPY. 

My goal is to keep up the blogging (FOR REAL!) as well as Vlogs! Anthony bought me an Android for Christmas and taught me how to do videos and post them to YouTube. So my diary of this transformation is about to be on & poppin! ;) 

*I wanna give a special SHOUT OUT to my Step-Son, Malik! Today is his 15th Birthday! He is such a wonderful person, I love him soooo much!*

Anyway, I hope each of you who reads this will have a fun time reading about my journey and maybe even become inspired yourself! 

Happy New Year! I hope it's full of blessings for everyone!

Self Discovery

It has been a while since I wrote. For that, I'm sorry. Not just to my readers, but I'm apologizing to myself. Life just has a way of changing with such veracity that it becomes harder and harder to keep the same routine. 

But isn't that what life is ultimately all about? We're supposed to continue rotating and changing because without it, we'd die. So maybe I'm not as sorry as I though. Maybe I should be incredibly happy that things have been turning around - for the BETTER - in such a way that I remain in a constant state of busy...or distraction. I guess my mood determines what way I wanna look at it. 

For starters, that guy I told you about when I last wrote in September 2010, we've been dating this entire time! His name is Anthony. Actually, we moved in together February 2, 2011. We have been really enthusiastic about the path our lives are taking since we decided to further intertwine them. I could bore you with all my lovey-dovey details, but I will spare you. Just know that for the FIRST time in my life, I can honestly admit I am experiencing a relationship that real, mature and involves true love. It's finally happened to me! Every year and every failed relationship that continued to pass chipped away at the hope I had left thinking that someone like me would be able to find someone who was created to share lives with. However, my persistence paid off and we are crazy in love. 


Anthony is the most well-rounded, together, positive person I know. In fact, he has inspired me to want to be a better person. With that unintended encouragement, I have begun to exercise and I even quit smoking on April 27, 2011. 

There is a lot about myself I either didn't know or just chose to block out. Not all of it is pleasant, unfortunately. Yet, with all new discoveries I make about myself, I continue to try to correct the ones that need improvement and feed into the qualities I'm proud of. 


Writing is not just a hobby, it helps me nurture my creative capabilities in several outlets. I have been writing a journal for about 5 years now and recently I took some time to start at the beginning and read my adventures over the years. Some of them made me proud and others made cringe. There have also been some times which brought tears to my eyes. However, the best part of all these memories I so effortlessly jotted down is MAYBE, just maybe, I can turn my experiences into a book and eventually help others. Even if ONE female on this planet reads my book and finds comfort or can relate...then my job is done. 


Many days I have slipped through life feeling as if I am a martian masquerading as a human. I can't help but wonder why in the hell have so many obstacles ruled my life? Well, I had an epiphany: there is NO WAY that I am the ONLY female who has had soooo many curveballs thrown her way. BUT...I might be the only one who has the courage to talk about it. 


OK, so that's what's been going on! Now that I have my laptop fixed, I will definitely be blogging more again :) 


Til next time...

A splash of this & a dash of that...

Just when you think you have it ALL figured out, life comes out with a curveball that you didn't even expect. But despite that, you always gotta aim high and keep trying. I've been through a lot lately (well, when HAVEN'T I?) and somehow I manage to find the inner strength to keep on living and learning.

 It's been a pretty big adjustment not having my sister here anymore. I guess I'm in denial because I keep her bed in my room, just the way she left it. (minus her pillow I gave to Roman cuz he missed her) However, I definitely have kept my promise to her. I continued to go out and socialize. I put on make-up everyday and try to keep my hair done LOL It's been good though. Those little things go a long way in making me feel good about everything in general. 

Y'all know this blog wouldn't not REALLY be mine if it didn't include something about a man LMAO! But yes, it's true. I must confess, right before Athena left she was able to help me & Mike squash everything. As I knew it would, it blew up in my face anyway. The best thing I got from Mike was this: His family. While he may be too young & immature to fully appreciate what I bring to the table, his family definitely sees what a great person I am. I love them. Especially his sister Kiyah. She has become my bestie. I don't know what I'd do without her! She is such a real, down-to-Earth-female she tried to warn me about her brother, but y'all know my stubborn ass just didn't listen. Once I finally did, she let me get over it and then she & her awesome husband planned a night out where they brought someone along who they thought would be a good match for me, and vice versa. To make a long story short, they didn't say anything to either of us about their undercover intentions and decided to let nature take it's course. It sure did. This man is wonderful. Plain and simple. Trust me, I know they ALL are in the beginning, but this guy is different. He is mature, funny, definitely sexy and makes me laugh. I can't say enough about how happy I am when I get around him =) I decided to jump the gun a little bit and see how Roman liked him, cuz you already know Roman is pretty good about weeding out the unfit...and he passed. Roman talks about him everyday, just like me. 

I found an apartment that I'm hoping to be able to move into next month. It's not far from Roman's school or where we live now. It's a gorgeous place for an amazing price. I am so optimistic about the near future. I just can't wait. I don't wanna say too much b/c I don't wanna jinx it. 

Anyway, that's really all I wanted to say. I know some of y'all been emailing me wanting an update, so here it is. Hope it was worth the wait!

Rollercoaster.

I feel compelled to type yet I really don't know what I want to say. I keep choking back my tears of sorrow and I wish the ache in my chest would stop. The thought of my sister having to abruptly move back to Connecticut next week just takes the breath right out of me.

Athena & I grew up apart, mostly. There were a couple times throughout her life I lived there with her or right down the block. Sadly, she doesn't remember those days at all...while those were always the memories nearest and dearest to me. I know I'm being selfish by wanting her to stay yet I can not help it. Sure we argue like the sisters we are but 99% of the time, we're laughing and so happy together. It's not just me either, Roman is going to fall apart once he finds out! I swear, I really hope her mom can get stuff fixed so Athena can stay. I've never been good at letting go, this time is no different.

Since my sister moved in, my whole existence here in Savannah changed. She's encouraged me to go out, exercise more (and in turn my weight loss has doubled) and even helped me start dating again. None of these things I would have done without her love and encouragement. It may sound corny but Athena makes me a better person. All along I thought I was going to teach her all these "Life Lessons" and really, she's the one teaching me.

I remember the very first time I ever laid eyes on her, she was 6 months old. I felt like my world was complete, I was so overjoyed to know this beautiful little toothless baby was my sister! I remember instantly thinking of how we were going to be besties our whole lives and even wondered how she would be as she got older. Seventeen years later I'm here to say that I'm so proud of her, she has surpassed my expectations.

I've made a decision: I'm going to start saving money so Roman and I can move back to CT ourselves. I'm not really wanting to stay in the south anymore, and once I left the last time, I promised myself I'd move back as soon as I could...since I didn't really wanna leave anyway. The schools are incredibly better than they are here and I want Roman to have the best education possible. He won't get it here. Trust me, it's gonna take a couple years for me to get the money I need, so don't worry, I'm not leaving yet. But I am going to do it.

Don't be surprised if I don't get on much for the next little while.

- - - A Poem - - -

I MISS YOU  

I miss you  

but I haven't met you yet  

so special  

but it hasn't happened yet

you are gorgeous  

but I haven't met you yet

I remember

but it hasn't happened yet
and if you believe in dreams or 

what is more important that a dream can come true  

I will meet you
I was peeking  

but it hasn't happened yet  

I haven't been given  
my best souvenir

I miss you 

  but I haven't met you yet 

  I know your habits

but wouldn't recognize you yet

and if you believe in dreams or

what is more important that a dream can come true 

  I will meet you
I'm so impatient 

  I can't stand the wait 

  when will I get my cuddle?

who are you?
I know by now that you'll arrive

by the time I stop waiting
I miss you

Like a Virgin....

OK so I'm a regular blogger on MySpace and get some really awesome feedback. My girl Maria who owns PRECIOUS DESIGNS (jewelry) started her own "official" blog. After reading her gut-busting posts I decided to follow suit and make an official blog too.

As you can tell, this is my first post, and it was just a DO IT NOW kinda thing. Nothing too important or funny to say LOL.

Hey, so my son got 6 A's & 3 B's on his report card today. I'm so proud! Well, I'm going to play around with this so I can learn what all this blog can do! I look forward to making y'all laugh and probably cry with this life I live. However, I keep the FUN in dysfunctional :)

Till next time...