There are people who were blessed with this inate ability to breeze through life without any problems trying to figure out who they are, what they want to be or just how they feel about themselves.
I understand the Nature Vs. Nurture theory...yet I'm not sure which side I fall on. Day after day, week after week and year after year, I have always, always, ALWAYS woken up each day so insecure about the way I look, how different I am, my life is, from everyone else around me. No matter how much I mature, or how many candles build on my birthday cakes, I still can't seem to shake it.
I try. I really do. But I just can't see what you see. I was raised to believe that big is NOT beautiful. And that fat was the root of all evil. Not to mention that no matter what my weight, good to not, I was always told I had so much farther to go to look good. It's no wonder I'm so self-conscious and extremely insecure. Yet, I make little steps in the right direction.
Yes, dieting and exercising is helping a small amount. My therapist is helping too. (Yes, I see a Psychologist! and I love her!) There are plenty of days where I look in the mirror and I'm so absolutely disgusted with my body I wanna cry. Then - like most women- I begin to wonder what in the hell is WRONG with Anthony?! How could be POSSIBLY be attracted to THIS in any way, shape or form. Yet, I always seem to remember that he loves me for the wonderful person I am. And to him, I will always be beautiful, no matter what size.
Unconditional love is something I'm not too familiar with. Anthony is teaching me, and so far, I'm really enjoying it. Yet, I'm a creature of habit. So I won't be completely comfortable anytime soon. I feel as if there is always going to be this part of my brain that won't let me believe that he is completely sincere every time he says this is his family and he is never, ever, EVER going to leave us.
On the other hand, I'm so excited to get the Gastric Bypass this summer; it helps me fuel that nasty side of my brain in which I feel that once I'm a "normal" size, he will definitely want to stay because I'm going to look so much better. I understand that isn't a good way to look at it. But again, most of you weren't raised the way I was.
All I can see for my future is GREAT THINGS. I want to become a Coach for Team Beachbody! Then I want to become a certified instructor for them as well. Once this weight comes off...my struggle won't be over. But at least it's going to make me feel a whole hell of a lot more confident that I can conquer it. This weight didn't show up overnight, so believe me, I damn sure don't expect it to fall off overnight either!
I just want anyone who reads this to know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Most days I feel as if no one can understand what I'm going through or what in the hell this life is like. So please, if you are in the same boat....YOU CAN DO THIS! I believe in YOU....even if we've never met! I know you can do this!
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