Whoah!

For months I have attended Weight Loss Support Groups. Each one was really wonderful and I truly am glad that my insurance made it a requirement in order for me to get the surgery. HOWEVER... As each day passes there are things I am learning together that I was NEVER aware of prior to this surgery. For example: Everyone tells you (doctors included!) that post op, hunger is a thing of the past! I'm here to tell you THAT IS BULLSHIT! On my fourth day I was experiencing real & true HUNGER. No, it was not the "head hunger" I've come to learn about. "Head Hunger" is where you THINK you're hungry but you're really not. Yes, I've had some of that too. But since my 4th day post op, I've had real, live HUNGER. Granted, it wasn't the raging, oh-my-goodness-I'm-starving-I-must-eat-right-this-second-or-I'm-gonna-die hunger...but it was still HUNGER. I realize I sound like a total fat ass already being hungry but guess what? I'm not the only one! Also, no one tells you that you're going to have buyer's remorse! There have been several days (today included!) where I can't help but feel like "oh my goodness I've made a giant mistake that I can't take back". There are so many unintended consequences that come with this radical decision to alter your body's organs...most of which I have yet to encounter. But still, no one warns you of days like this. There's no amount of books, or classes, or conversations with your surgeon that can fully prepare you for life AFTER surgery. God will look out for you though. He brought me a new friend, Gracelyn, whom I met at the hospital. She had her surgery the day before me and we were neighbors! We began talking when we'd bump into each other during our walks through the halls. She's so sweet and best of all: SHE MAKES ME FEEL NORMAL. I haven't been feeling very "normal" since I got home. (Not that I really know what the hell "normal" is anyway but I know it's not this!) It's so wonderful to have someone you can talk to who truly understands EXACTLY what you're feeling and going through on a daily basis. Check this out: I've been feeling extremely nauseous the past few days and haven't been able to drink much protein. In fact, yesterday I only managed to drink 2 oz. of protein and 14 oz. of water. Part of my problem was yesterday out of nowhere the taste of strawberry I previously loved was now absolutely REPULSIVE! Today I tried to force some down since that's my only source of food and yes, I was hungry. As I learned from watching another bariatric patient, you can become VERY malnourished quickly, so skipping protein is no bueno. Anyway... All day long I've been battling this sickening nausea and while I wasn't able to drink any protein, I kept water down fairly well. Tonight after I finished cooking dinner for my boys, the nausea was so overwhelming I began to gag yet trying to stop it from happening. Nothing came up since my pouch was empty, but nonetheless, I was actually throwing up. About 15 seconds later, once I caught my breath, the PAIN started! I don't mean pain like you've stubbed your toe, this was excruciating-I-think-I-just-broke-my-pouch type pain! I tried to calm down and hope it'd go away but it continued to escalate. I was shaking, sweating, HURTING in the middle of my chest that radiated all the way to my back and up in between my shoulder blades. I tried to call Gracelyn to ask her what she thought I should do because I was scared. I got two words out and next thing I know, vomit just comes up out of my mouth without warning. Great, now I've ruined my clothes and bed sheets. I managed to get the on call doctor at my surgeon's office to call me. That wasn't too helpful; she said it could be any number of things. Maybe I'm having a bad case of acid reflux, or my gallbladder is giving out, or my body is rejecting the surgery just to name a few. The possibilities are endless. I continued to try and calm down and once again call Gracelyn to tell her what the doctor said and how I was feeling. Guess what happened? I'm in mid sentence and more VOMIT comes rolling back out. I run to the sink and more and more vomit (it was actually mucus, thick ugly mucus) came up and magically 95% of the horrendous pain I was experiencing had VANISHED! I chose not to go to the ER as the doctor said since that pain had pretty much subsided. I'm not allowed to drink anything but water. So...no "food" (protein!) until after I travel back to Augusta on Friday to have my first follow up with my surgeon. All I can say is this: THANK YOU SO SO MUCH GRACELYN FOR STAYING ON THE PHONE WITH ME TONIGHT FOR TWO WHOLE HOURS TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER AND REASSURE ME THAT WE BOTH MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE BY GETTING THESE SURGERIES! I don't know what I would have done tonight if I didn't have her to talk to me and tell me she had been experiencing similar things and that I was OK and normal. I can't help but wonder, which I also brought up to her, WHY WERE THESE ISSUES NEVER BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION BEFORE? How come no one ever told me there'd be days like this? Everyone tries so hard to make you think it's going to be easy to go through with this decision and once you go home it's all peaches and sugar free cream! THAT IS A LOAD OF BULLSHIT! If you're thinking about getting any bariatric surgery you need to STOP AND THINK LONG AND HARD about whether you REALLY wanna do this or not. Yes, I've lost weight ( 17 lbs in 15 days ) and I'm only one a couple medicines versus the upteen I was previously on. However, there's many things I'll never be able to do again...for the rest of my life, I can only NIBBLE at food. Will that satiate me? Sweets are gone, history, FORGET THEY EXIST. Yes, you can have sugar free things, but who doesn't love the occasional piece of birthday cake, or a cupcake?! Juice, no more juice. Or the fact that it's going to be difficult mentally & even physically to cook dinner (all your family favorites!) for everyone else but you can't touch one bite! Day after day this will happen because your family can't just stop eating like you are! Anyway I won't bore you with anymore examples, because those too are endless. I'm not trying to discourage anyone from the surgery however, I just want to bring some awareness to some real world feelings and issues that have been hidden from most of the people I know who are on this same journey. I just had to share my day. Thanks for reading it, if you made it this far! ;) I'm keeping my head up, tomorrow is going to be a better day! Until next time...

Junky Day! UGH!

I don't what happened today. It's just been one thing after another. I'm in a terrible mood, I feel like poop and I just want to cry and cry and CRY. These past couple of days I've been realizing that I had a bigger love for food than I really understood or realized! I am so embarrassed because I shouldn't want food. BUT I DO. I want to eat SO BAD. It's such an intense feeling, I hate it. My ego keeps taking a lick every time I see food (whether healthy or not) that I wanna eat. I've even forgotten the simplest things: I've looked forward to eating a popsicle not once, but TWICE today and on BOTH OCCASSIONS, I left them on the counter to melt. I forgot ALL about them. I think my body is just going through such an enormity of changes that my hormones just can't keep up and that's why I'm such an emotional wreck today! UGH! On the bright side: Since I had surgery last week, I've lost 14.5lbs. That brings my total (since starting the liquid diet 2 weeks prior to surgery) up to 34.5lbs. I think my back, hips, thighs and face are smaller. It's just a little bit. But I'm trying to remember that every little bit adds up. I forgot to take a pic this week. But I promise that from now on, every Tuesday, I'll be taking pictures to post. One day I'll look back and be happy I did it! I love you all. Thanks for reading. Until next time...

Courtney's Revenge

Sometimes I think I'm so smart that it actually makes me stupid. Seriously! For months on end I have been going to these Weight Loss Support Group classes and I've learned all about the warnings. "Follow your surgeon's instructions CAREFULLY", "take ALL your vitamins DAILY", "Continue the LIQUID ONLY diet for 4-6 weeks POST OP", just to name a few. So far, I've been quite excited that the food in the house (what little bit there's left LOL), has made NO IMPACT on my brain...until YESTERDAY. Ugh. I thought we ("we" bariatric patients) weren't supposed to ever feel hungry for at least 2-3 years! Here I was on the 4th damn day and I WAS STARVING! True enough, I did a LOT yesterday. First, I went to my support group, then took Roman to the mall to trade a game at GameStop and finally went to Wal-Mart where I got the guys an assortment of not so healthy but totally YUMMY foods which are easy for either them to make or even myself if I'm feeling so inclined. By the time I got home I was totally wiped out. As I put away all that food, my "old" fat girl brain totally kicked into overdrive. I was so hungry and haven't eaten food for weeks. I just wanted one little bite. Well, Roman wanted a Totino's cheese pizza which I gratefully made for him. Secretly I was hoping I'd gag at the smell like I did Anthony's Papa John's pizza the other night...NO SUCH LUCK! It's fragrance was so inviting, I went and took a TEENY TINY bit of cheese and put it in my mouth. Where was the harm in that?! It's small, soft and oh sooooo delicious. It was flashback into my former life where food was my friend. Then reality bitch slapped me in the face. HARD. Next thing I know, my pouch is screaming at me, my stomach muscles are cramping and overall, the pain is so intense I just want to faint. I quickly racked back some water because Rule #1 is NEVER DRINK WHILE YOU EAT; it flushes the food right out of your pouch! Soooo, what better way to get rid of that miniscule piece of cheese? WRONG. I was meant to be taught a lesson on obedience. "I WILL NOT EAT FOOD. I WILL NOT EAT FOOD. I WILL NOT EAT FOOD." My body starts to go back to normal some time later, which actually seemed to be an eternity, and I head to the fridge for my protein shake. To my dismay, I had just a small swallow left. As any normal person would, I yanked out my gallon of skim milk and proceeded to whip up another round of vanilla protein drink. Being that I was so hungry/parched, I stepped out of character for a nanosecond and took a swig outta the jug! (Cringe, I know) THE ENTIRE NEW GALLON OF MILK IS SOUR AND I'M DRY HEAVING INTO THE SINK, CRAMPING MY STOMACH MUSCLES AND WONDERING WHAT THE HELL!?! The scarier issue is this: we don't have a car at the moment and my neighbors only drink whole milk...I am forever destined to skim. My surgeon says I must be drinking at least ONE OUNCE of protein PER HOUR during this transitional phase. At first it wasn't so bad, I had just tortured my body so much in a short time, I was not craving the protein drink. However, as the evening progressed and it became more and more evident I was going to have to go without milk until MID MORNING, I began to have cravings. They quickly raged out of control with such veracity that I turned to the bottle of protein powder my neighbor gave me yesterday...the label read "mix with water" HAAAAAAALLELUJAH! In a flash I had made up a batch of this strawberry protein powder that smelled like a fresh-out-the-toaster-PopTart! Mmmmmm, it tasted sooooo good. Roman tried it and said it reminded him of FANTA. "Did you hear me Mom, it tastes just like FANTA!" ...Then it happened, AGAIN. I'm violently vomiting, stomach cramping and back to wanting to die ALL OVER AGAIN. What a shitty day. And this was only Day 4 of the rest of MY LIFE. It turns out, I had forgotten Rule #5, "BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU PUT INTO YOUR MOUTH; READ ALL INGREDIENTS". I had assumed this stuff was OK...nevermind it had almost 40g of SUGAR and 37g CARBS! What I was experiencing - for sure - was the dreaded "Dumping Syndrome". It's not a pretty thing. This happens to you post op when you eat something too high in fat or sugar. I laid down for a while trying to relax, but my body was so exhausted from the HELL I had put it through. Why in the world would I do this? Am I really soooo weak that I couldn't handle my own bullshit? I just felt really angry with myself for making such mistakes...but, now I know. And I won't do that again. On a happier note: I lost 2lbs since yesterday! LoL Starvation REALLY DOES WORK! Just kidding, NEVER EVER STARVE YOURSELF!! I just have to remember, today is a new day. It's another chance for me to get things RIGHT. I can't dwell on my mistakes from yesterday because I can't change them. BUT I can go forward and fly right from this moment on. I'm still feeling sore this morning, duh, but what can I say? I did it to my damn self. Hope y'all have a great day! Till next time...

A New Life...FULL STEAM AHEAD!

I am so blessed. Honestly. I took a big, big gamble by leaving my life behind in hopes of one day getting this life saving surgery. It's been a long, difficult road...AND I MADE IT! This entire way I have continued to fight for this. All those gallons of tears and sweat was worth it. Tuesday, July 10, 2012 was my surgery date! I was under the impression (not sure where I got it from!) that the surgery was only going to take 30-45 minutes. Um, I was wrong LOL. It took about 2 hours! :) I currently have 6 incisions on my stomach & navel. It may not look like much on the outside...but the inside...it's all different! Surprisingly, I'm feeling a lot better this morning. Naturally, I'm sore. However, it's not PAIN, just soreness. I've been keeping busy trying to get on my new drinking schedule. Every hour I am supposed to try and consume 1 oz of protein shake and 4 oz of water! Being that my new egg sized pouch only holds 3 oz ... it's been a challenge but I'm getting the swing of things! The outpouring of love and encouragement I got on FB from all my friends was just such a sweet, sweet blessing. It REALLY helped me. There were moments where I was in so much pain I began feeling scared and thinking "OH MY GOODNESS WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY BODY!?!?!" ---- I just gave myself a second chance at life, that's what I've done! I know I say this frequently but: ANTHONY IS AMAZING. I wouldn't have been able to make it through all this without him. For as eloquent as I am, I can't seem to find the words to fully express my gratitude, appreciation and just LOVE for him. He went so far above & beyond for me; not just this week...he ALWAYS does. But, speaking of this week, he was so sweet to me. He held my hand while I walked around the hospital floor, he kept telling me how beautiful I was, and rubbed my back while trying to encourage me to breathe in & out when the pain would have me in tears. God blessed me with such an amazing man. Thank you Anthony. I love you. OK well, it's time for me to get up and move around...my muscles are telling me so! I will write more later because I did have more to say LOL Have a great day! :)

To Gastric Or Not to Gastric, THAT is the Question...

I have so many emotions flowing through my body right now I'm not even sure where to begin. Tomorrow I am having the Gastric Bypass Weight Loss Surgery. This has been my dream since 2007 and honestly, I can't believe it's ACTUALLY happening. Anthony and I are being picked up tonight by transport at 10P. We'll be arriving at Trinity Hospital in Augusta by 6A. I'm the first surgery of the day tomorrow at 7:30A and according to the surgeon will be done in 30-45 minutes. I am definitely staying ONE night in the hospital but I may have to stay TWO nights; I just don't know yet.

This is what my procedure looks like. My surgeon, Dr. Darren Glass of Trinity Bariatrics in Augusta, GA will make a small "pouch" out of the top of my stomach and then reconnect my intestines as shown in the picture. This has not been a decision I've made lightly. THERE IS NOTHING "EASY" ABOUT THIS PROCESS!! Can you imagine being 26 and being told you won't make it past 28? That is where I was just 3 years ago. My doctors in Orlando FAILED to diagnose me with Type 2 Diabetes. From my initial tests here once I moved to Savannah, GA it proved I had been severely diabetic for many, many years. In fact, they believe I developed Gestational Diabetes at 19 while I was pregnant with my son which only raged out of control. The consequence to that was more than DOUBLING IN SIZE. When I arrived here, I was almost 600lbs. I'm embarrassed to admit that, but it's true. Many of you know I had a wonderful job, new car, big & beautiful 5 bedroom/4 bathroom home in Orlando. But, I had gotten too ill to continue working as a caregiver which I'd done for 10 years. It was time for me to care for MYSELF. So I gave up my ENTIRE LIFE to chase this dream of having bariatric surgery in order to SAVE MY LIFE and in turn, save my SON'S life; I'm all he has. Fast forward to now: I currently weigh 371lbs. I take a gaggle of pills everyday to help control the many repercussions of uncontrolled diabetes. By the grace of God I'm hoping to be able to come off most, if not all, of these horrid medicines and insulin injections I subject myself to on a daily basis. Yes, there are risks with this surgery. But I won't live much longer if I don't do it. I'm betting on LIFE & GOD to help me successfully come out with a VICTORY. This is my motivation:

Here I am with my HANDSOME SON, Roman, about a month ago. I woke up that morning and got dressed. Looking in the mirror I thought I looked so good....until our local news anchor Kim Gusby snapped this pic of me. When I saw it I wanted to cry. I deeply appreciate how Roman loves me so purely and unconditionally...but I need to lose weight for him and for me. I don't want him being picked on and made fun of for having a fat mother. It's not fair to him. He doesn't deserve that. Roman deserves so much more. On the bright side, I will be turning 30 years old in about 6 months. My goal has always been to have turned my body around by that deadline. Thank God I'm well on my way. My 20's have been filled with hurt and insecurities. But my 30's will be filled with fun, hope and happiness. I honestly can't wait. Strap on your boots because we're gonna be in for one hell of a ride! I hope you enjoy watching me as I transform myself.