Courtney's Revenge

Sometimes I think I'm so smart that it actually makes me stupid. Seriously! For months on end I have been going to these Weight Loss Support Group classes and I've learned all about the warnings. "Follow your surgeon's instructions CAREFULLY", "take ALL your vitamins DAILY", "Continue the LIQUID ONLY diet for 4-6 weeks POST OP", just to name a few. So far, I've been quite excited that the food in the house (what little bit there's left LOL), has made NO IMPACT on my brain...until YESTERDAY. Ugh. I thought we ("we" bariatric patients) weren't supposed to ever feel hungry for at least 2-3 years! Here I was on the 4th damn day and I WAS STARVING! True enough, I did a LOT yesterday. First, I went to my support group, then took Roman to the mall to trade a game at GameStop and finally went to Wal-Mart where I got the guys an assortment of not so healthy but totally YUMMY foods which are easy for either them to make or even myself if I'm feeling so inclined. By the time I got home I was totally wiped out. As I put away all that food, my "old" fat girl brain totally kicked into overdrive. I was so hungry and haven't eaten food for weeks. I just wanted one little bite. Well, Roman wanted a Totino's cheese pizza which I gratefully made for him. Secretly I was hoping I'd gag at the smell like I did Anthony's Papa John's pizza the other night...NO SUCH LUCK! It's fragrance was so inviting, I went and took a TEENY TINY bit of cheese and put it in my mouth. Where was the harm in that?! It's small, soft and oh sooooo delicious. It was flashback into my former life where food was my friend. Then reality bitch slapped me in the face. HARD. Next thing I know, my pouch is screaming at me, my stomach muscles are cramping and overall, the pain is so intense I just want to faint. I quickly racked back some water because Rule #1 is NEVER DRINK WHILE YOU EAT; it flushes the food right out of your pouch! Soooo, what better way to get rid of that miniscule piece of cheese? WRONG. I was meant to be taught a lesson on obedience. "I WILL NOT EAT FOOD. I WILL NOT EAT FOOD. I WILL NOT EAT FOOD." My body starts to go back to normal some time later, which actually seemed to be an eternity, and I head to the fridge for my protein shake. To my dismay, I had just a small swallow left. As any normal person would, I yanked out my gallon of skim milk and proceeded to whip up another round of vanilla protein drink. Being that I was so hungry/parched, I stepped out of character for a nanosecond and took a swig outta the jug! (Cringe, I know) THE ENTIRE NEW GALLON OF MILK IS SOUR AND I'M DRY HEAVING INTO THE SINK, CRAMPING MY STOMACH MUSCLES AND WONDERING WHAT THE HELL!?! The scarier issue is this: we don't have a car at the moment and my neighbors only drink whole milk...I am forever destined to skim. My surgeon says I must be drinking at least ONE OUNCE of protein PER HOUR during this transitional phase. At first it wasn't so bad, I had just tortured my body so much in a short time, I was not craving the protein drink. However, as the evening progressed and it became more and more evident I was going to have to go without milk until MID MORNING, I began to have cravings. They quickly raged out of control with such veracity that I turned to the bottle of protein powder my neighbor gave me yesterday...the label read "mix with water" HAAAAAAALLELUJAH! In a flash I had made up a batch of this strawberry protein powder that smelled like a fresh-out-the-toaster-PopTart! Mmmmmm, it tasted sooooo good. Roman tried it and said it reminded him of FANTA. "Did you hear me Mom, it tastes just like FANTA!" ...Then it happened, AGAIN. I'm violently vomiting, stomach cramping and back to wanting to die ALL OVER AGAIN. What a shitty day. And this was only Day 4 of the rest of MY LIFE. It turns out, I had forgotten Rule #5, "BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU PUT INTO YOUR MOUTH; READ ALL INGREDIENTS". I had assumed this stuff was OK...nevermind it had almost 40g of SUGAR and 37g CARBS! What I was experiencing - for sure - was the dreaded "Dumping Syndrome". It's not a pretty thing. This happens to you post op when you eat something too high in fat or sugar. I laid down for a while trying to relax, but my body was so exhausted from the HELL I had put it through. Why in the world would I do this? Am I really soooo weak that I couldn't handle my own bullshit? I just felt really angry with myself for making such mistakes...but, now I know. And I won't do that again. On a happier note: I lost 2lbs since yesterday! LoL Starvation REALLY DOES WORK! Just kidding, NEVER EVER STARVE YOURSELF!! I just have to remember, today is a new day. It's another chance for me to get things RIGHT. I can't dwell on my mistakes from yesterday because I can't change them. BUT I can go forward and fly right from this moment on. I'm still feeling sore this morning, duh, but what can I say? I did it to my damn self. Hope y'all have a great day! Till next time...